Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
grandma shit on top of the toilet
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
