I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Randomize
