Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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