dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I deserve this hangover.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
