He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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