I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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