btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
