I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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