girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
