Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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