I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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