I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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