I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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