Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
