Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
