Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
