If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
