A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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