So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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