I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
