I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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