i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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