Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
