What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Sober January is a disaster.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
