hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
