Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
