I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
