She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
