And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
