id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
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