I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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