Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I have demons in me.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize