wrigley field is MILF paradise
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
