I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
