I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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