Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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