Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
