these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
