so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Enjoy the penises
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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