there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize