I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
