dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
