Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
