Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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