Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
