Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
