I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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