well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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