I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
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