the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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