I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
