you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
