I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
