Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
