You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
