After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
