Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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