Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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