I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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