I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
