I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I don't deserve a penis
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
