i dedicated my morning wood to you.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
