I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
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